Thursday, August 18, 2005

I honestly don't know...

I would preface this entry by stating that it shall be mopey, but it is what I am feeling right now and it is related to the whole going abroad experience. That being said, I would make it known that being apart from Brenna is eating me up inside. I am naturally not a tremendously optimistic person and on top of that I have both an overactive imagination and a subconcious that tends to give me stressful dreams. Anyone who has read my blog (assuming that anyone actually has) would know that I am absolutely crazy about my girlfriend, and while I haven't actually discussed her as an indepedent person that much rest assured she is amazing. Frankly the idea of being apart from her for such a time is doing weird things to my thought process and I am being very irrational.

If I were to try to analyze my behavior thus far I woudl say that it results from my not having a really significant relationship before Brenna, and that I have never ever felt anything remotely similar to the depth of feelings I have for her. This relationship I have had with her is so comepletely rediculously wonderful that I honestly do not know if I could cope with its absence in a healthy mature way.

I am finding myself imagining ways in which what we have built up over these last 4 wonderful monthes could somehow end and I am on some level convincing myself that is exactly what will happen. I find that upsetting for several reasons, I don't want to end anything with her, it shows a lack of confidence on my part in our relationship and even worse in her, I might end up through these actions willing it true.

Yet when I think rationally about this situation I cannot help but feel reassurred, I do have confidence in the bond Brenna and I have created, anything as great as what we had cannot be dimmed merely by distance and it became such an all consuming part of our lives that maybe letting it simmer down for a while is the best solution for creating something that could last for a long long time. And I am absolutely confident in my feelings for her, and I know that she feels that same way about me, and I know that I am not looking for anyone else now, nor do I plan on doing so while I am abroad so to expect her to do so would be assumimg that her feelings are not as genuine as mine and I know that is not the case. Also if anything Brenna has an outstanding talent at making sure I know she loves me and making me feel loved all the time. I think that I am just used to being spoiled by the constant attention I recieved from her and now that there is a physical distance between us and we are both getting busy with out lives I am trying to cope with my withdrawal I am feeling from the privelage of being around such a wonderful and amazing girl.

I am sorry for the convoluted and whiney nature of this post, but that is how my mind works sometimes, and until I have more tangible things to distract me, or I am able to be with Brenna again, there is a risk of more of these types of posts, but they help me sort things out, so thanks for bearing with me.



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